


Let me help

by Avrina



Series: Friendship & Love [7]
Category: StarCraft (Video Games)
Genre: Comfort, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Friendship, Kisses as reward, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 23:53:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21767806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avrina/pseuds/Avrina
Summary: Valerian discovers Matt's little drug problem and wants to help
Relationships: Matt Horner/Valerian Mengsk
Series: Friendship & Love [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1467394
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

"Commander Raynor has arrived safely in the infirmary," one of the officers announced, and Captain Horner sank visibly in relief.   
"Calculate coordinates for a jump into free space," he ordered and Valerian nodded over the Comm to Captain Vaughn on the Bucephalus. He nodded back a little.   
"Coordinates calculated," said the navigator.   
"Prepare for warp jump." Horner sounded tired, infinitely tired, and a certain concern spread to Valerian. Horner closed his eyes for a moment, breathed in and out deeply, licked his lips and then lifted his head, although he didn't look as proud and authoritarian as usual.   
"Ready for the warp jump," said First Officer Hall and Vaughn confirmed.   
"Jump on my signal." Horner looked at his watch and blinked a few times. "Three... two... one..."   
The flash of light of the warp jump left for a moment colorful spots in front of Valerian's eyes and he blinked hard.   
"Hall, I give you the command."   
"Very well, sir," she replied and nodded seriously. Then Horner turned to Valerian.   
"I'll go to the infirmary and check on Raynor. You can go back to the Bucephalus and relax."   
"Actually..." Valerian started and didn't know exactly what he wanted to say himself, "actually I thought we could crown this little success with a drink. To relax."   
Horner frowned minimally.   
"On the one hand we earned it and on the other you look as if you needed one." Now the Captain's mouth opened and for a moment he looked uncertainly to the side before nodding barely.   
"All right."   
"I'll wait for you at the bar." Valerian gave Horner a cheering smile and he nodded again just before he turned away.

Valerian sat at a table in the Hyperion bar and sipped on a light blue drink called Summer Sky. The woman who had taken over Cooper's job didn't even try to imitate his much-vaunted Mai Tais, but that wasn't necessary either; after Cooper's betrayal, many had lost interest in Mai Tais.   
The Prince didn't have to wait long for Horner to enter the bar, nod to him and get a drink at the counter before he sat down.   
"On Raynor's safe return," Valerian said and lifted his glass.   
"To his safe return," echoed Horner and they each took a sip.   
"What's the next step?" Valerian then wanted to know. "I mean, alone with two battle cruisers we can't beat my father."   
"No, definitely not." Horner sighed and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger. Sometime on the way to the bar he had taken off his gloves and Valerian suddenly had the urge to do the same. It seemed like a sign that the shift was over.   
"Raynor said we had to count on Kerrigan."   
"On... But..." Valerian frowned and tucked his gloves into his belt. "She is Zerg again, the Queen of Blades again, and stronger than ever."   
"That's exactly why." Horner didn't seem necessarily enthusiastic. "She has back the control over the swarm and I bet she now collects all the Zerg she can still find to then go to Korhal with concentrated power." Well, that sounded logical and Valerian nodded.   
"Do you think she'll agree to some kind of alliance?"   
Horner snorted before he took a sip of his drink. "Kerrigan hates you, Valerian, and if I understood it right, Kerrigan and Raynor didn't just part happily."   
"Maybe," Valerian returned, "but you know what Raynor did for Kerrigan. And what Kerrigan did for Raynor."   
"Yes, quite..." Horner agreed slowly and rubbed his eyes again.   
"Okay, it may not be an alliance, but peaceful cooperation should be possible. After all, we have the same goal," Valerian said and Horner nodded.   
"Let's hope they can talk reasonably and Kerrigan realizes you're not your father."   
"She is not stupid. She's ruthless and full of hate, but certainly not stupid."   
Horner paused for a moment and looked into his glass; he nodded weakly. "If she's convinced of something, she'll resort to radical solutions, and if it involves working with you, perhaps even sacrificing you, then she'll do it as long as she gets what she wants in the end."   
"Did you know her? As a ghost, I mean?" Valerian wanted to know, after he had looked at Horner's thoughtful facial expression for a moment.   
"Yes. In the days of the Sons of Korhal." Horner nodded briefly and drank, Valerian nodded thoughtfully and drank too.

A silence arose that was quite pleasant for the moment. Valerian let his gaze wander through the bar and got caught by two women who looked over at them again and again with their heads stuck together. When they noticed his gaze, they giggled.   
"Forgive me if it's too personal, but how is it between you and Miss Han?" he wanted to know and Horner snorted before he emptied his drink.   
"Well, officially, technically, we're married."   
"And unofficially? Private?"   
Horner pulled up a corner of his mouth, but the half smile didn't reach his eyes. "We get along quite well now. The crew will probably tell you that we regularly visit Deadman's Port or meet her somewhere in space, but all the gossip isn't even half true."   
"So no hidden romance behind the serious facade?" Valerian smiled. "A pity." Horner shook his head, but his smile seemed tense, he had his hands folded into each other, but Valerian still saw them trembling.   
"Maybe you should tell this to the ladies in your crew. Some seem extremely interested," Valerian then added, looking meaningfully over at the women. Horner also looked over his shoulder and sighed.   
"That's a completely different thing."   
"Really?" Valerian emptied his glass and Horner nodded tense. "What do you say if I get us two more drinks and you tell me a little bit about it?" Horner took a deep breath, licked his lips and shook his head gently.   
"I... um..." He rubbed with his visibly trembling hand over his forehead. Valerian looked at him critically. "I..." Horner blinked. "Excuse me. See you tomorrow morning."   
Before Valerian could say anything, the captain stood up.   
"Captain, wait," Valerian shouted after him. There was something wrong with Horner, but he didn't stop, so Valerian followed him hastily, but took his time to catch up with him until the quarters.

"You're not well," he said, and Horner gave him an angry look.   
"Isn't it obvious enough?"   
"I... Excuse me, but you..."   
"Let it go, Valerian. Go back to the Bucephalus."   
"No."   
"No?"   
"No." Valerian shook his head. In the light of the corridor lighting Horners eyes shimmered glassy, his whole posture was tensed and he swayed a little. Even with more than one drink it would have been obvious that it wasn't because of alcohol.   
"Are you ill?"   
"That's none of your business." Horner hissed and turned awkwardly around a corner. Valerian recognized the officers' quarters and wasn't surprised when Horner stopped at a door.   
"You are responsible for a whole lot of human lives. I would like to know if there is or could be a reason to doubt your decisions."   
Horner had to literally hold on to the door code unit, a muscle twitched on his cheek.   
"Besides," Valerian added coolly, "I saved your ass. You owe me."   
Horner pressed his trembling lips together and glared at him for a moment before typing in the door code and entering his private realm. With minimal hesitation Valerian followed him.   
"Close the door," Horner growled and stepped to his desk. The door closed behind Valerian and he watched as the Captain searched almost hectically for something in the drawers of the desk before growling in silence and stumbling into his bedroom next door.

Valerian was smart enough not to enter further than a few steps into the living area, but he still took a quick look at the desk. One of the drawers was half open, inside was a stimpack with two of the five charging lights still on. With what Horner did as Captain and Second-in-Command, he was hardly surprised. Meanwhile Horner went into the bathroom, the water rushed for a moment and then he came back into the living area, driving his thumb and index finger over the corners of his mouth and lower lip. He blinked at Valerian as if he had forgotten that the prince was there at all. An annoyed sigh slipped from him and then he took off his heavy uniform jacket and hung it neatly over the desk chair. His hands were still trembling, but when he spoke, his voice sounded more composed again:   
"What exactly do you want?"   
Valerian tilted his head a little. "To know what's wrong with you. "   
Horner pressed his lips together again and closed the drawer. He knew that Valerian had seen the content, he seemed guilty, but at the same time unwilling to say anything about it.   
"Spit it out, Horner." Valerian nodded to him, asking him, "Are you sick?"   
"No." Horner lowered his gaze and leaned against the desk. He ran his fingers through his hair, took a deep breath and sighed even deeper. "No, I'm not sick."   
Valerian examined him again and wondered how far he should push it, if the captain didn't speak for himself.   
"Except... well... maybe. Depending on how you want to define it." He shrugged half-heartedly. "You are right, I owe you my life. So..." He sighed again.   
"Talking helps," Valerian quietly threw in. Horner twitched his eyebrows in doubt and pulled up the thick turtleneck sweater a bit. His right waist was covered with a heap of red dots. Usually medical syringes were used in the area, but if he wasn't sick... well, for a shot the spot was a little strange.   
"Are you... I mean... you don't look like a junkie..."   
Horner grinned crooked. "This is from the stimpacks. I hate to have them in my neck." Valerian nodded silently and Horner pulled the sweater down again, but then Valerian asked quietly:   
"Then why did you ignore the stimpack? And what do you mean when you say, sick by definition?"   
"This one," Horner patted the drawer, "is a happy-maker, not a real stimpack. Otherwise..." With his mouth open, he tapped his tongue tip against the upper incisors. "Otherwise...", he started again and then sighed, obviously annoyed by himself, for he rubbed his face with both hands.   
"You don't need to wrap it up in beautiful words. Naked honesty is enough," Valerian said cautiously, but firmly. Happy-maker against depression perhaps? Horner giggled, it seemed almost hysterical.   
"I probably have a burn out and for about a year I've been throwing in pretty much everything that helps me keep the Raiders going and compensate for Raynor's fickle moods," he finally said slowly.   
Valerian was surprised. Not because of the burn-out, he could imagine that pretty well, but it surprised him that the seemingly stoic Captain really didn't know any other way out than to throw in any - probably not necessarily legal - stimulants and the like. He blinked at the captain and then went to the couch to sit down.   
"What's it gonna be?" Horner wanted to know with a frown.   
"We talk."   
"I don't need a therapist now."   
"Sit down."   
"Listen-"   
"Sit down!" At Valerian's tone, he flinched and slowly came over. Nevertheless, he hesitated before sitting down at the other end of the couch.   
"You want to talk?"   
"I want answers."


	2. Chapter 2

"Ask your questions." Horner seemed incredibly uncomfortable.  
"Will you answer?"  
"I'll do my best."  
"Good." Valerian nodded to him and indicated a smile. "Well, Captain..."  
"Can we please drop the formality? It's even more unpleasant on a subject like this."  
Valerian's smile broadened. It was a start, but he still wondered how far Matt would let him go. "So, _Matt_... what you dump is legal?"  
Matt lowered his gaze to his hands folded in his lap, which were now trembling only minimally. "The sleeping pills are, the rest not."  
"Where do you get the stuff from?"  
"From Mira."  
"Ah. Therefore the many meetings."  
Matt nodded with his head hanging.  
"Is she the only one who knows about it?"  
"Yes."  
"Not even Raynor knows?"  
"He wouldn't understand. After all, I've worked my ass off for _him_ and _his_ dream while he sat in the bar complaining." The deep bitterness in his words touched Valerian in a way he couldn't classify.  
"How long should it go on like this?"  
Matt shrugged. "Until we reach our goal, I guess."  
"And after? Are there no more goals that you want to achieve?" Valerian wanted to know critically.  
"Yes, probably." Matt shrugged again.  
"But...?"  
"No but. There will always be some goals," Matt admitted with an annoyed sigh.  
"You can't throw in whatever stuff you need for the rest of your life."  
"No, probably not."  
"Stop it. You're better than that. You don't need this."  
Matt's gaze twitched up, something was blazing in it. "You have no fucking idea!"  
"Well, I really don't know anything about drugs," Valerian admitted and raised his hands for an implied apology, "but I'm serious. You can't go on like this. I saw you on the bridge, in the bar. Sooner or later someone will notice or you will simply collapse. What then?"  
Matt opened his mouth to reply, but Valerian already continued.  
"You said it to me yourself, you have a reputation to lose. Fight against it now that you have the strength for it."  
"Who actually gives you the right to talk to me like that?" Matt wanted to know darkly, his gaze still full of rage.  
"I give it to myself," Valerian said cool and deliberately condescending. "We have now gone through a few unpleasant things together and there will come a few more unpleasant things. I know what you are capable of and I want you on my team when I take over the Dominion. _Clean_."  
Matt snorted, but stayed seated and didn't answer back.  
"Is there nothing worth it to stop for? Mira?"  
"Mira and I are friends, nothing more."  
"Another woman?"  
Matt's posture tensed noticeably and Valerian saw him gritting his teeth briefly before looking at Valerian.  
"I don't like women."  
"... you... oh. Okay." Valerian nodded for simplicity. _"Anyone?"_  
"I left family and friends behind when I went to the Sons of Korhal. To protect them. The Raiders are my family," Matt said slowly and looked up. The left pupil was bigger than the right. "The others think my private life is friendship with Raynor, some officers and Mira."  
"And in reality?"  
"Don't I have a private life." He said this so emotionless that Valerian was surprised by the absence of regret or bitterness.  
For a moment they looked at each other, Matt seemed stoic, perhaps a little challenging, Valerian thoughtful. The Captain was a clever mind, a good man, and he wanted him in his government. He trusted him, _had_ trusted him, but now... could he really trust him and _rely_ on him?

"You have to stop doing this. You're destroying yourself."  
"That's not a very important reason." Matt smiled weakly and Valerian growled suppressed.  
"Then find a reason. One..." He paused and again examined Matt with minimally narrowed eyes. "Do it for me."  
"For you?" Matt's eyes became big. "Why of all people for _you_?"  
"There's a reward for every little step forward."  
Matt laughed up. "That didn't work even during school years."  
Valerian smiled knowingly. "I think I have some other rewards to offer than your parents."  
The amusement disappeared immediately from Matt's face and was replaced by insecurity. "What... what do you mean?"  
Valerian's sexual experiences were very limited and he had no idea how to flirt properly, but in a combination of words and body language he should strike the right note. He turned his upper body more open in Matt's direction, put one arm on the back of the couch and leaned forward a little while his gaze remained on Matt's mouth. He licked his lips infinitely slowly and as he pulled his tongue back, he bit his lower lip briefly. Matt swallowed hard.  
"You..." Matt swallowed again and Valerian sought his gaze, which he avoided. "You are not like me. How can you... make such an offer...?" His voice became quieter and quieter and Valerian shrugged.  
"I've never kissed a man," he admitted with a smile, "but it can't be much different. The different organs sit elsewhere."  
Matt turned red and got up jerkily before he wandered aimlessly around the room. Meanwhile, Valerian asked himself if he was still completely in his senses. Rewarding drug withdrawal with kisses was not fair, but more than kissing? Now he was the one who swallowed hard.  
"When was the last time you were... uhm... intimate with someone?"  
Matt paused. "I don't know."  
"So it's been too long."  
Matt snorted. "Probably."  
Valerian stood up and watched for a moment with his hands in his trouser pockets as Matt strode up and down, then he sighed inwardly. Matt had told him his secrets - maybe just because it had to get out sometime - but Valerian admittedly didn't have the right to just ask him to stop. Sometimes sacrifices were necessary to save lives.

When Matt passed him on his path, he grabbed the captain by the collar and pushed him against the wall. Amber and grey eyes met, then Valerian slowly lowered his mouth to Matts. Matt's posture became stiff for a moment, then his lips twitched and it turned into a timid kiss that intensified hesitantly and slowly. But as Valerian's tongue tip stroked over Matt's upper lip, Matt pushed him a bit away; not really rejecting, but far enough to interrupt the kiss and look each other in the eye.  
"Why are you doing this?" Matt asked whisperingly.  
"Because you need an incentive," Valerian replied only slightly louder. "And the only thing I can offer you here and now is myself. Everything else is too far away."  
Matt indicated a nod.  
"For every small success you get a reward," Valerian continued after a moment and asked himself again what he was actually doing. "A kiss for every day managed. I am there for you, no matter when and how you need me, I will give you every help I have to offer. You have one week to think about it and take the first step."  
Matt looked at him with big, disbelieving eyes. "And this one...?"  
"Call it a preview..." Valerian smiled crooked and put one hand on Matt's cheek, with his thumb he followed the edge of his lower lip. "Somehow I have to make my offer appealing to you."  
"But you're not like me," Matt protested, as if urgently looking for a reason to refuse.  
"Do you know?" Valerian asked back with a playful tone and kissed Matt again. This time he answered the kiss immediately. With one hand on Matt's cheek and the other on Matt's hip, Valerian kept pushing the smaller man against the wall. Matt left his hand in a defensive position on Valerian's chest, but the other slipped into Valerian's neck and up, buried it in his hair. Interrupted by tiny pauses to breathe, the slow, testing kisses became faster, greedy. Valerian could not have said who started it, because he liked Matt's kisses better than he thought. And Matt seemed hungry, which further excited Valerian. Then Matt almost unconsciously shoved his hip towards him and Valerian loosened his hand from Matt's face to pull him towards him. Matt slipped a moan as the bulge from Valerian's pants pressed into his lap. Then he pushed Valerian away again and he realized Matt's body hadn't reacted the same way.  
"You're not like me," Matt said pressed and looked at Valerian with almost feverish eyes.  
"Probably not." Valerian shrugged and took a step back, finally releasing Matt. "But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a kiss, does it?"  
Matt grimaced and Valerian added as neutrally as possible:  
"But you obviously didn't like it."  
"Oh yes, I did," Matt hurried to say. "A lot, actually. But..." Red cheeks joined his from kissing red lips. "I... um... negative side effect from all this stuff, I think..."  
"One more reason to stop," Valerian remarked dryly and the redness in Matt's face deepened.  
"I don't need a dick to give orders."  
"Maybe not on the bridge..." Valerian crossed his arms over his chest. Matt leaned against the wall, his head turned to the side and sunk down a little as if he had been beaten. He seemed vulnerable, submissive, defensive.  
"I will forever have more debts with you than I can ever repay," he finally said quietly and still didn't look in Valerian's direction.  
"You won't," Valerian said with conviction and Matt shrugged.  
"Emotional dependency," he then said thoughtfully.  
"What?" Valerian made irritated. Now Matt looked up after all.  
"The more I think about it, the less I like your idea. You want to get all this stuff out of me, but at what cost? Do you seriously want to become a human drug for me? I've read enough about withdrawal attempts to know that it could destroy both of us. Because there will definitely come a point where your attention, your rewards, will be the only thing holding me up. In the worst case, I'm not just dependent on you, addicted to you, but also in love in a twisted way. Do you want that?"  
Valerian blinked.  
"Do _I_ want that?" Matt then added and looked to the side again.  
"Your decision," Valerian said quietly after a moment. "This is about you and nobody else."  
Matt laughed quietly and shook his head. "You don't understand... but whatever. Now get out, I would like to sleep."


	3. Chapter 3

On the evening of the fourth day after Valerian's offer, he was sitting in the bar with Raynor having an early drink when Matt stomped in pale and grim-faced.  
"Something happened?" Raynor wanted to know, but Matt just gave him a quick negative glance and then threw two little keys on the table in front of Valerian.  
"What are they?"  
"Keys to a portable safe."  
"Ah. I see."  
"I don't." Raynor threw in confused.  
"Show me," Valerian asked Matt, and rose.  
"Don't you trust me?" Matt asked with gritted teeth.  
"No. At least not in this case." Valerian shook his head.  
"Could someone tell me what this is about?" Raynor asked, but Matt stomped out again, his posture tense with suppressed feelings. Valerian sighed.  
"I made a promise. Commander, please don't ask any more questions for the time being."  
"Okay..." Raynor still sounded confused, but nodded in agreement.

~

Matt held an inconspicuous gray security box out to Valerian. Valerian accepted it and placed it on the desk before opening it. On two levels, packed close together, there were sixteen pill tubes.  
"Wow..." Impressed, he looked up. "Is that all?"  
Matt nodded seriously. "I brought the last happy-maker to the infirmary as a chance find. Only the sleeping pills are still there."  
"Because...?" Questioningly Valerian looked at him and Matt halfheartedly shrugged.  
"They're legal and they didn't fit in there anymore."  
Valerian could not even contradict and he nodded slowly. Almost hesitantly, he took one of the tubes in his hand and turned it, but the original label had been removed and replaced with a plain white sticker, the handwritten inscription of which was illegible for Valerian.  
"Will you tell me what exactly you took?" he finally wanted to know and Matt frowned minimally.  
"Is it important somehow if I'm to get away from this?"  
"It would help to help you."  
The frown deepened and also his lips twisted a little. "I'm not one of your projects, Valerian!" he said more sharply than Valerian had expected.  
"Of course not!" Valerian managed to sound a little offended, although Matt was right in part; on the other hand, Matt could have been flattered, because Valerian took his personal projects very, very seriously. "But this is about your health and your life."  
Matt rumbled softly.  
"And I think Dr. Fenhill would..."  
"What?"  
Valerian calmly withstood the angry gleam. "Dr. Fenhill is a very experienced doctor."  
"That's not what this is about! Why did you just-"  
"Drugs!" Valerian raised his voice to drown out Matt.  
"Yeah, yeah, drugs, sure, but-"  
"She was a drug addict herself when she was young." This actually silenced Matt. "So she does have experience."  
Valerian gave him time to think and after a few minutes Matt's shoulders actually relaxed a little.  
"All right. What's your non-project plan?"  
A faint smile flitted over Valerian's lips. "You're coming to the Bucephalus for a late dinner. Are you, by any chance, allergic to food?"  
"...no," Matt said thoughtfully.  
"Well, we'll think of one."  
"I see." Matt interrupted him. "Allergic shock, infirmary, needs to be kept under observation, blah, blah, blah."  
"Right." Valerian nodded.  
"And in reality?"  
"You can choose where you want to sleep. Either directly in the infirmary, in a guest room next door... or you can stay with me." Valerian had thought long and hard about whether he should really make this offer, and had finally put aside his concerns that it might lead to things he did not want. The minimal, otherwise extremely controlled reaction the Captain showed confirmed his decision. "From a medical point of view, the infirmary would probably be best, but considering that the actual withdrawal symptoms appear on average after twenty-four to forty-eight hours, I think that's unnecessary."  
"You've been reading up on this," Matt remarked with a decidedly neutral tone.  
"Of course." Valerian nodded. "But I have no idea what or how much you're taking. And when I think back to that night in the bar a few days ago, I can't shake the feeling that it won't take twenty-four hours with you." Matt turned away, but the series of negative emotions flitting across his face was still visible to Valerian.  
"All right," he finally said and straightened his shoulders, a strangely fake-looking rejecting line lay around his mouth, "You made the offer, now you must live with the consequences."  
Valerian raised an eyebrow. "And that means?"  
A grimace, probably meant to represent a smile, lay over Matt's face. "You have generously invited me to your bed - purely out of medical necessity, of course, which you may well be right about. But if you are right..." he shrugged, "it is your private domain that suffers."  
"I've seen worse things than men throwing up."  
"Even on your favorite pillow?" Matt wavered between determination and retreat, but Valerian had expected nothing else.  
"If the road to a clean, fully operational Admiral is paved with a favorite pillow full of vomit, it's a very small price to pay, don't you think?"  
Matt raised an eyebrow, but left the prospect of promotion uncommented. Valerian closed the safety box, put the keys in his jacket pocket and nodded to Matt.  
"One hour, or two?"  
"I'll call you when I'm on my way."  
"Okay." Valerian turned to leave, but then paused and approached Matt again. He flinched at first, but held Valerian by his jacket as he tried to back off after a short kiss. So Valerian kissed him a second time. Embarrassed at his own reaction, Matt blushed and looked past Valerian.  
"Sorry, that's inappropriate."  
Valerian snorted amused. "I can cancel the dessert and leave room for other things instead..." From his side it had been more of a provocative joke, but the blush on Matt's face deepened.  
"Forget it," he said in an effort to be dismissive. "But after the remark about my alleged consumption of sweets, I'll skip dessert anyway."  
"Whatever you say..." Valerian nodded and hid his smile until the door had closed behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

"Doesn't look as if there'll be anything to eat right now," Matt remarked critically as he followed Valerian to his private empire.   
"You can have some if you want, but if I'm honest, you don't look like you're going to keep it for long," Valerian returned no less critical, though he probably exaggerated a little. Matt was pale and his hands trembled a little, his eyes twitched restlessly from one point to the next.   
"It's just psychological." He waved off.   
"Really?" The narrow nod did not convince Valerian in the least, but he went to an inconspicuous panel and pressed a button.   
"I told Raynor we'd discuss some theories we'd made up in his absence," Matt then said, stepping to a chair to lean on the backrest as if in passing.   
"Oh, and what kind?" Valerian curiously asked.   
"He won't ask you about it, don't worry. The key words I dropped have immediately erased his interest."   
"Ah, yeah. So if he does ask, I just act a little mysterious and that's it?"   
"Something like that." Matt just nodded. Valerian felt that Matt was already hiding past disappointment over lack of interest, but this was not the time to ask him about his relationship with Raynor.

"Soup? Seriously?" Matt was genuinely surprised.   
"Dr. Fenhill thought you shouldn't burden yourself with heavy meals now," Valerian explained and sat down. Although he had eaten much earlier and felt no hungry, he reached for his spoon out of politeness. Matt sighed and sat down as well, but seemed a little soothed after the first spoonful of food.   
"Do you think we should have done things differently?" he then asked.   
"Which things?", Valerian asked back.   
"I don't know. Char, for example. So many things could have gone so damn wrong."   
"Could have... but in retrospect it's always easy to see other ways."   
"Maybe, but imagine if the artifact didn't work. Kerrigan would have overrun and wiped us out."   
"You think so?"   
"No?"   
"I saw her and Raynor together and I can't shake the feeling that she at least... had assimilated him."   
Matt grimaced at what he heard. "What a terrible thought."   
Valerian nodded.

It was already late, but they talked about different things for quite a while until Matt became nervous in his movements and trembled in a hardly suppressable way. Valerian, on the other hand, actually got tired.   
"Do you mind if I go to bed?" he asked, suppressing a yawn.   
"No, of course not." Matt shook his head and then things got awkward. They looked at each other embarrassed, more or less regretting both the offer and the acceptance of it. Finally Valerian cleared his throat.   
"You can still take the guest room if you want..."   
Matt snorted condescendingly. "Are you afraid I'm gonna jump you and rape you with the whiskey bottle?"   
"Whiskey bottle?" Valerian blinked irritated and Matt rolled his eyes, which reminded Valerian of the problem, but before he could say anything, Matt added:   
"I'm not crazy enough to throw in Skipper yet."   
"What's Skipper?"   
"A sexual drug. Fuels body and mind, and if you take enough of it, it doesn't matter who you're sleeping with because your brain tells you it's your true love." He shrugged. "But it's a hellacious stuff, and I don't need it that bad..."   
"The mental effect sounds interesting," Valerian noticed and nodded faintly in the direction of the bedroom before he started moving.   
"Quite correct, but getting the dosage right doesn't seem so easy. Besides, it has a huge potential for addiction. I've heard enough horror stories to make sure I don't get my hands on it."   
"Well, I guess rehab's the nicer way to get the engine running again."   
"Feet up, the joke comes low," Matt commented dryly and Valerian laughed softly.  
"Sorry, it's not funny."   
"No," Matt agreed quietly, "but I brought this on myself."   
Valerian nodded silently. There had only been a slight hint of bitterness in Matt's voice but the Captain had already gone through a rollercoaster of emotions during the two hours he was here now, which admittedly made it a little difficult for Valerian to react to him.

Arriving in the bedroom he nodded at the door leading to the bathroom. "I've put some things out for you..."   
Matt nodded and entered the bathroom, behind him the door clicked. Valerian breathed out with a kind of sigh and began to undress, while his gaze kept flicking to the bathroom door or got caught on the bed. He wanted to help Matt, definitely, but general tension and tiredness made him wonder if he wasn't going too far. Matt had talked about emotional dependence and even if it seemed a bit exaggerated to him, at that very moment they were starting a relationship in which many things could go very wrong.

When Valerian was also finished in the bathroom, Matt sat on the bed wrapped in his blanket and very obviously gritted his teeth.   
"How are you?"   
"Okay."   
Valerian nodded and slowly walked across the room.   
"I won't bite," Matt started again. "And if I do, it's only by accident."   
"Who's making the stupid jokes now?" The answer was a grimace and Valerian sat down, pulled up the blanket and turned off the light.   
"Like a sleepover..." Matt muttered strained, "but without pizza and popcorn and movies..."   
Valerian had no idea about such things. "How does this work?"   
"I'll tell you when it doesn't hurt anymore to talk."   
"One of your meds is getting pretty close to twenty-four hours, isn't it?"   
A consenting hum.   
"You can wake me up anytime."   
Another hum.   
"Okay... Good night..." He felt incredibly stupid, but had no idea what else to do; he could hardly stay up all night holding Matt's hand.

But Valerian couldn't sleep either. Matt's trembling and restless tossing and turning shook the whole mattress and every now and then he made oppressively tortured sounds. Sometime around three o'clock in the morning according to ship's time Matt stumbled into the bathroom and threw up. Back in bed he curled up tightly and Valerian could hear his teeth chattering.   
"V-V-Valerian?"   
"Yeah?" He was wide awake.   
"Y-you spoke of rewards..."   
"Yes..."   
Matt gave off a strange hissing sound. "Hold me. Please." It sounded less like a reminder of a promise than a cry for help; he laboriously choked out the _please_ , but even without the little word of politeness Valerian would have slipped over to him. He stretched out his hand, touched cold sweat-soaked skin, and wrapped his arm around Matt's chest. His heart raced and Valerian wondered what hellish stuff Matt had in his veins that made him suffer so much after just a few hours. The further course of events sounded like a trip to hell.   
"I got you. Can you breathe with me? Breathe in... breathe out... just slow..."   
It took a while, but Matt calmed down a little and Valerian thought that maybe they should consciously meditate together in the morning, but for now lying and breathing and sleeping was more comfortable than thinking and making plans.


	5. Chapter 5

When the wake-up call rang, Valerian considered it a bad joke at first. With an overtired groan, he turned around and turned off the annoying beep, then looked over his shoulder at Matt. He had half curled up and didn't look as if he had heard the alarm clock, but Valerian certainly wouldn't wake him up. Silently he slipped out of bed and went into the bathroom.  
  


The comm rang long before Raynor answered.   
"What's up?" he murmured sleepily and Valerian raised an eyebrow. It was almost eight o'clock in the morning and the commander should have shown up on the bridge in a minute and given the orders of the day. Well... Raynor was no normal commander.   
"Good morning, Commander," Valerian said, stirring his coffee. "I wanted to inform you before your shift begins that Captain Horner will not be joining duty."   
"... what?" Raynor was definitely not awake yet.   
"Captain Horner", Valerian said slowly and emphatically, "is in the medbay and under observation after an allergic shock."   
Raynor made an irritated sounding grunt and then said with inappropriate amusement: "I didn't think the boy would ever get knocked out of his socks."   
Valerian took a breath, but then swallowed his angry remark. "As I said, he is under observation. I'll let you know when he's available later."   
"Yeah, sure... thanks, Junior." A click interrupted Raynor's yawn and the connection; Valerian sighed annoyed. He probably couldn't get rid of that stupid nickname. He tapped the tabletop with his left index finger while he quickly drank his cooling coffee and thought. He would let Matt sleep a little longer and then actually take him to the med bay and Dr. Fenhill...

But when he looked after Matt a little later, he already paused in the doorway. Matt breathed audibly and chopped off. With long steps, Valerian went to the bed and knelt down, gently touching Matt's forehead - cold and wet. His hands and arms were also freezing cold, as were his legs. After minimal hesitation, Valerian slipped a hand under Matt's shirt - his belly and chest were warm. Quickly he rose and went over to the comm.   
"Prince Valerian." Dr. Fenhill responded almost immediately, displaying a minimal frown.   
"Come at once!" He hardly saw her serious nod before the connection was terminated.

~

Only three hours later, Valerian was able to leave his duties long enough to go to the med bay. Dr. Fenhill greeted him in her tiny office, a narrow smile curling her lips.   
"Congratulations, sir. You saved Captain Horner's life."   
"Me? I don't think so."   
She took a breath and then shook her head. "I won't bore you with medical terms, sir, but it's as I say. Or to put it another way, I think a withdrawal on his own would have definitely killed him."   
"How is he now?", Valerian wanted to know, and she tapped a screen, whereupon the image of a camera appeared: Matt was lying in one of the beds, equipped with an oxygen mask and several cables and tubes. Dr. Fenhill pointed to something that seemed to be attached to his neck.   
"We put him into a deep sleep and put in a subclavian vein access in order to perform a customized emergency dialysis. It will continue for about an hour and a half. After that we will install a permanent blood monitoring system."   
"Deep sleep- no induced coma?"   
"No. I'd like to wake him up in the morning and see how he is then." She made a small noise, somewhere between a snort and a chuckle. "Probably pretty shitty, but physical withdrawal's a walk in the park compared to mental withdrawal."   
With slight uneasiness Valerian looked at the little doctor with the reddish-brown hair, when she returned his gaze with a crooked smile, the many freckles on her face were bouncing.   
"Can you tell what he took?"   
"More or less..." At the touch of a button, she called up a collage of seven images on a large screen, all of which showed a pill next to a size scale in forensic style. " _Memory_ ," she said, pointing to a bright yellow pill. "Stimulates the brain and especially, as the name suggests, the memory. Very popular with students and fortunately not overly addictive. The worst thing is weight loss and an increased need for sleep."   
Valerian nodded.   
" _Brainer_ ," she continued, pointing to a light blue pill. "Also stimulates the brain, but especially the sensory perceptions. The addiction comes quickly, is purely psychological, and the more it progresses, the more the increased need for sleep is accompanied by insomnia."   
Valerian nodded again and briefly thought of the sleeping pills that Matt had kept.   
" _Stimix_." Dr. Fenhill pointed to a magenta pill. "The evil big brother of the Stim-packs. The effect lasts for a long time, but it boosts the metabolism at high speed and, unlike the Stim-Packs, is highly addictive. Insomnia, nervousness, sudden sweating, weight loss. Speaking of which... the Captain wouldn't happen to eat for two?"   
A short smile flitted across Valerian's face. "Yes, he does." Otherwise, Matt could hardly have kept his stature and Valerian had to admit that his charm clearly benefited from the broad shoulders in his uniform. Dr. Fenhill nodded slowly.   
"The _Stimix_ in combination with the other two is probably responsible for his quick and violent reaction."   
"Does the excessive brain stimulation leave any damage?" Valerian wanted to know and she seemed to suppress a sigh.   
"I will be doing brain scans after dialysis, this evening and tomorrow morning. Actually, I don't think there is any real damage, but better safe than sorry." Again she pointed to the pill photos. "This one is called _Blind_ , but I can't identify the other three right away, they have to go through the lab. If I know what they are, I can make a better guess."   
"Thank you." Valerian nodded and took a look at Matt, but the picture could have been a printed photo, for he did not move. "What is this _Blind_?"   
"It suppresses feelings, emotions and sexual stimuli. Almost every soldier has tried this stuff, but especially the suppressed sexuality quickly becomes an unpleasant side effect for many. It was originally intended to be a drug for sexual criminals, if I remember correctly, but in that aspect, it is not strong enough, although with long use it can certainly lead to impotence."   
Valerian shuddered a little when he remembered Matt's lack of response to the kiss and his accompanying explanation.   
"However..."   
"Yes?"   
Dr. Fenhill hesitated and made the collage disappear. "How did he get them?"   
"Through a friend. Unpredictable, but relatively regular delivery. Why?"   
"The _Blind_ is the only can that's practically full. All the others are nearly empty. I almost think he stopped using it a while ago."   
"I'd like to think so, too. Our conversation last night was on his side... almost highly emotional."   
"A roller coaster ride?"   
"An apt term, yes."  
The doctor nodded thoughtfully. For a moment they were silent, looking at Matt on the screen, and Valerian forced himself once again not to think too much about how much pressure it must have been before Matt gave in to it. Dr. Fenhill called up another overview, probably data from the dialysis, but she quickly closed the file.   
"You should determine for yourself how far you are willing to go in your support," she said quietly. "The addiction or withdrawal can ruin a lot of things irrevocably, believe me."   
Valerian nodded, although the dimensions certainly exceeded his imagination. "Captain Horner is a very capable man. The Dominion and I need him."   
"No," she said quickly, almost sharply, and Valerian flinched back in surprise at her gaze. "Don't say that. He's not in the position or condition to use that as motivation, quite the contrary."   
"But-"   
"He threw himself into the pill bath for his duty or not? Then get him out of it on a personal lifeline."   
Valerian closed his mouth and got goose bumps. "Thank you, Dr. Fenhill," he said softly, looking again at Matt's calm face. How far would he really go for this man whom he actually hardly knew?


End file.
